Let me preface this by saying that I am not a parent - yet. My first child (a girl) is due in 3 months. Since I found out my wife was pregnant, I have paid closer attention to the way parents treat their kids. What I have paid attention to most is how parents of athletes act during and out of season.
Not being a parent myself, I cannot speak of personal parenting experience. However, as a coach I can give first hand accounts of what I believe to be successful and unsuccessful parenting from the coach’s point of view. Outside of having my own children, my student-athletes are the closest thing. I take pride in taking care of them, looking out for what is best for them, treating them as if they were my own, and always sticking up for them and believing in them.
There is already plenty of pressure in youth sports. Whether you believe that statement or not, I am sure that your kid does. Take a little league baseball game for instance. At the end of the season, everyone gets a trophy. No pressure, right? But how does that kid feel when they go to school the next day after one of their best friends struck them out 4 times the night before? You don’t think there is pressure to perform even at the youngest age?
Now take that pressure and add in the pressure of the coach who has high expectations for his team (made up of three kids with experience, five who might be able to manage, and four kids who don’t know how to hold a ball). Every time a kid goes to bat, the coach is gauging his success. With every fielding error, the boy gets a detailed report on what he did wrong and how he should fix it next time.
Without the added pressure of the parents, this young boy is likely already in tears. The role of the parent at this point should simply be to ask the youngster, “Did you do your best?” and, “Did you have fun?” This seems wishy-washy, but what more could we want from a young athlete?
The parents of one of the most successful young swimmers of all time famously reported wanting nothing of their daughter but her best effort. No pressure for winning, best times, records, time standards, or gold medals. They figured that their daughter would put enough pressure on herself that it didn’t need to come from them. They didn’t even wake her up in the morning and insist on perfect practice attendance! Can you believe that? Without this pressure from the most influential two people in her life, Missy Franklin went on to achieve remarkable things. After every race she asked herself, “Did I do everything I could in that race?” If the answer was no, she allowed herself to be disappointed. If the answer was yes, then she knew if she got beat that the other girl was just better than her. No big deal. What are you going to do between this loss and the next time you race to make yourself better?
One mantra I preach to my swimmers is this:
“If they beat us, make sure it is because they were better than us. Not because they tried harder.”
This is all I can ask of my kids. Do 100% your best work, 100% of the time and you can’t come away disappointed. We have all been there. Thinking after a race or a game, “Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda.” Having these regrets may be one of the worst things in sports. You remember the line from the coach of the 1980 US Olympic Hockey team? “They may beat us, but they will NEVER out hustle us.” When you coach athletes 3-4 hours a day every day, and then watch them compete you can tell when they are giving their all. When a swimmer of mine gets out of the pool I can look them in the eye and tell them honestly whether I thought they swam with everything they had. And that is something I will let them know. As high school kids, this is something they should strive for. As a coach, I feel it is my job to hold them at that standard of always doing their best. That goes double - or even triple - for parents. All a parent can ask of their child is all they can give. Back to those two questions that Dick and D.A. Franklin used to (and still) ask their daughter Missy after a race, “Did you do your best? And did you have fun?” If the answer to both is yes, the day was successful and everyone can go home happy.
Like a balloon being sat on, the additional pressure from the parent can lead to the kid “popping”. I have seen this is kids who have been burnt out of a sport before they even hit high school. So much early pressure and the kid is sick of their childhood passion. As tough as it might be, I think that when my daughter grows up I would be much happier if she was happy doing something that she wasn’t great at than if she hated it and was great at it. I have also seen when parents hit the jackpot. Their kid is successful and they are loving what they are doing. It does go to show you that if they truly love the sport, they will put in more time and dedication. All of this makes the kid, parents, and coach happy. A dream world, right?
All of this being said, parents are one of a child’s most valuable assets. The countless rides to practice, filling water bottles, snacks, money, and support is beyond measure when it comes to a parent’s dedication. A child athlete needs someone to look after them, let’s just make sure that we are doing it with the best intentions of the CHILD in mind (and I will try and do the same when my daughter is born :))
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